Death, be not proud, though some have called thee/ Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so ;/ For those, whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,/ Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me./ From rest and sleep, which but thy picture[s] be,/ Much pleasure, then from thee much more must flow,/ And soonest our best men with thee do go,/ Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery./ Thou'rt slave to Fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,/ And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,/ And poppy, or charms can make us sleep as well,/ And better than thy stroke ; why swell'st thou then ?/ One short sleep past, we wake eternally,/ And Death shall be no more ; Death, thou shalt die.
~Holy Sonnet X, John Donne

Saturday, December 31, 2011

So it's 2012

I suppose I could make some New Year's Resolutions with this post, but I haven't yet decided if that's what would be good for me.

I can get myself so beat up for not following things to the letter, while my heart is way out in left-field, doing whatever the hell it wants, and I could care less about getting myself back into the grace of God.

There is a place for structure, certainly.

But right now, in this moment in time (12:56 AM of the year 2012), I feel as though I just need to let go.

Let go of diets, and exercise, and that book I should probably read, and all the things I feel as though I need to accomplish.

Because that's just it: left to myself, I can accomplish nothing. I think that's why I've never been able to consistently uphold New Year's resolutions.

Over the course of 2011, God has shown me many things, and forced me to grow in ways that I was sure I didn't need. But a complete state of dependency, to the point of passiveness in where my life was headed, was reinforced with such a love for the Lord, His path for me, and the people He's directed into my life. I realized that if I concentrated on what I should concentrate on, the details would work themselves out.


here is my one and only New Year's resolution:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
and he will make straight your paths."
-Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

Happy New Year, all!

Much love & peace to you.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

(from listening to Kathryn Calder)

My state of dependency is such that I am younger than I have ever been.

Friday, December 16, 2011


It is in an abandoned house... & you never know what happened in that tub.

I know it's too sunny to take that thought seriously, but...

One thing is for-sure true: you have no idea what happened here.


Sunday, December 4, 2011

this man...

Another quote I love

"The beauty of colour is also the outcome of a unification: it derives from shape, from the conquest of the darkness inherent in Matter by the pouring-in of light, the unembodied, which is a Rational-Principle and an Ideal-Form."

~Plotinus, from "Ennead I", 6th Tractate

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Thursday, November 17, 2011


Alright, so I know people go to college in order to become more educated, in order to become "pro" at whatever it is they want to do with their lives.

But what if all I want is to become a "pro" at loving people? To find ways to make life for people in my community that much better? To learn how to truly bless people?

There is no college that can help me major in Christ-like love, and this is what I want to do with my life.

Now, I understand that I can pursue a college degree while living out the love of Christ to those on my campus, and that I can take my classes to give me greater ability and skill in practically living out that love. (For example: someone may have a heart for a certain people group, and going to college to major in a certain language could be their ticket to a lifetime of ministry that otherwise could have never been possible.)

But going to college to be an English major? To learn how to be a Chemist?

Don't get me wrong, I know that through Christ anything is possible, and with His power an English major can change the world.

But for me?

Everyone goes to college; it's expected, and it's normal for anyone out of high school to pursue that.

But what if I feel as though my form of ministry could just be getting really good at knitting socks, and then being able to supply & support local homeless shelters? What if I can work full-time and be able to provide free living space for women who can't afford it? What if what I really want with all my heart is to throw myself headlong into a community and love them with *all* that I am, without college getting in the way, but being able to give every last bit of myself for their betterment?

I'm struggling with the motivation to take my SAT test again; it would be the final touch to an application I have going in to a school in Moscow. I feel as though I should take it; after all, if I don't then my application wouldn't be as updated, scholarship opportunities would drop significantly, and my chances of going to school next fall might be delayed yet again.

But there's also a risk in deciding to stay here for another year. It would be another year of self-motivation & self-discipline, both of which have been a struggle for me. This has been the hardest stretch of my life so far, for sure. I've struggled with loneliness, lack of community, and having faith that God will make my paths straight for me. This year, taking school off was not a cop-out for me, though I know many may perceive it that way. School has always been so enjoyable for me, but I feel it also allows me to skim over certain things I feel convicted by, and busy my schedule up so I don't have time for things that are, in fact, more important.

Feeling torn right now, and though I know my final decision is awhile in coming, I can't help but balk a bit in the face of it.

I must say before closing however: I am so thankful for this year so far. For the last week or so I have finally come to realize the great place God has put me. I feel more a part of the community of my work, and Nampa in general. Things with my family have never been better. I'm starting to explore different mediums of art, photography being one, and my knitting (as geeky as it sounds) is only getting better. I can make damn good espresso shots now, and have started educating myself on coffee, where it's grown, the different flavors and growing methods that come from each region, etc. I've been reading my Bible every day, searching it to discover the right way to live, seeking as much wisdom as I can.

I know that when this waiting period is over, and it might come at the end of my life, I will have such an appreciation for the acts of God that we people experience through community, and personal sanctification. I long for His perfectness every day, and more than I ever knew I could.

These last months of sanctification (though I'll admit that this is the first time I've ever experienced it in what I like to call "the cheese-grater way"), they have been all so worth it. I feel like God has carved out more of my shallow heart, making it bigger, the capacity broader, that when I come to where I am supposed to be, I will be able to do things right.

Maybe this, right here and right now, is my education.

Perhaps I will never have a diploma, but I have a God who looks out for me, and educates me in the way He sees fit.

I look forward to the future with great joy and expectation.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Day 4: Repose


“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.”

-Chuck Palahniuk

Monday, November 7, 2011

"…any interpretation of Scripture that hurts people, oppresses peo ple, or destroys people cannot be the right interpretation, no matter how tradi tional, historical, or exegetically respectable. There can be no debate about the fact that the church’s stand on homosexuality has caused oppression, loneliness, self-hatred, violence, sickness, and suicide for millions of people. If the church wishes to continue with its traditional interpretation it must demonstrate, not just claim, that it is more loving to condemn homosexuality than to affirm homo sexuals…in the end, all appeals, whether to the Bible or anything else, must submit to the test of love…We ask the question that must be asked: “What is the loving thing to do?"
-Dale Martin

Sunday, November 6, 2011

stay tuned, faithful one

I would love to do this! I'll do my best for the next 30 days, and see how far I get.
If it takes me longer, then it takes me longer I guess.
Life can only go as fast as it can go.