But what if all I want is to become a "pro" at loving people? To find ways to make life for people in my community that much better? To learn how to truly bless people?
There is no college that can help me major in Christ-like love, and this is what I want to do with my life.
Now, I understand that I can pursue a college degree while living out the love of Christ to those on my campus, and that I can take my classes to give me greater ability and skill in practically living out that love. (For example: someone may have a heart for a certain people group, and going to college to major in a certain language could be their ticket to a lifetime of ministry that otherwise could have never been possible.)
But going to college to be an English major? To learn how to be a Chemist?
Don't get me wrong, I know that through Christ anything is possible, and with His power an English major can change the world.
But for me?
Everyone goes to college; it's expected, and it's normal for anyone out of high school to pursue that.
But what if I feel as though my form of ministry could just be getting really good at knitting socks, and then being able to supply & support local homeless shelters? What if I can work full-time and be able to provide free living space for women who can't afford it? What if what I really want with all my heart is to throw myself headlong into a community and love them with *all* that I am, without college getting in the way, but being able to give every last bit of myself for their betterment?
I'm struggling with the motivation to take my SAT test again; it would be the final touch to an application I have going in to a school in Moscow. I feel as though I should take it; after all, if I don't then my application wouldn't be as updated, scholarship opportunities would drop significantly, and my chances of going to school next fall might be delayed yet again.
But there's also a risk in deciding to stay here for another year. It would be another year of self-motivation & self-discipline, both of which have been a struggle for me. This has been the hardest stretch of my life so far, for sure. I've struggled with loneliness, lack of community, and having faith that God will make my paths straight for me. This year, taking school off was not a cop-out for me, though I know many may perceive it that way. School has always been so enjoyable for me, but I feel it also allows me to skim over certain things I feel convicted by, and busy my schedule up so I don't have time for things that are, in fact, more important.
Feeling torn right now, and though I know my final decision is awhile in coming, I can't help but balk a bit in the face of it.
I must say before closing however: I am so thankful for this year so far. For the last week or so I have finally come to realize the great place God has put me. I feel more a part of the community of my work, and Nampa in general. Things with my family have never been better. I'm starting to explore different mediums of art, photography being one, and my knitting (as geeky as it sounds) is only getting better. I can make damn good espresso shots now, and have started educating myself on coffee, where it's grown, the different flavors and growing methods that come from each region, etc. I've been reading my Bible every day, searching it to discover the right way to live, seeking as much wisdom as I can.
I know that when this waiting period is over, and it might come at the end of my life, I will have such an appreciation for the acts of God that we people experience through community, and personal sanctification. I long for His perfectness every day, and more than I ever knew I could.
These last months of sanctification (though I'll admit that this is the first time I've ever experienced it in what I like to call "the cheese-grater way"), they have been all so worth it. I feel like God has carved out more of my shallow heart, making it bigger, the capacity broader, that when I come to where I am supposed to be, I will be able to do things right.
Maybe this, right here and right now, is my education.
Perhaps I will never have a diploma, but I have a God who looks out for me, and educates me in the way He sees fit.
I look forward to the future with great joy and expectation.
