So it's 2012

I suppose I could make some New Year's Resolutions with this post, but I haven't yet decided if that's what would be good for me.

I can get myself so beat up for not following things to the letter, while my heart is way out in left-field, doing whatever the hell it wants, and I could care less about getting myself back into the grace of God.

There is a place for structure, certainly.

But right now, in this moment in time (12:56 AM of the year 2012), I feel as though I just need to let go.

Let go of diets, and exercise, and that book I should probably read, and all the things I feel as though I need to accomplish.

Because that's just it: left to myself, I can accomplish nothing. I think that's why I've never been able to consistently uphold New Year's resolutions.

Over the course of 2011, God has shown me many things, and forced me to grow in ways that I was sure I didn't need. But a complete state of dependency, to the point of passiveness in where my life was headed, was reinforced with such a love for the Lord, His path for me, and the people He's directed into my life. I realized that if I concentrated on what I should concentrate on, the details would work themselves out.

So,

here is my one and only New Year's resolution:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and he will make straight your paths."

-Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)

Happy New Year, all!

Much love & peace to you.

(from listening to Kathryn Calder)

My state of dependency is such that I am younger than I have ever been.

Spooky

It is in an abandoned house... & you never know what happened in that tub.

I know it's too sunny to take that thought seriously, but...

One thing is for-sure true: you have no idea what happened here.

Spooky?

this man...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4E9412xyJ4&feature=channel

Another quote I love

"The beauty of colour is also the outcome of a unification: it derives from shape, from the conquest of the darkness inherent in Matter by the pouring-in of light, the unembodied, which is a Rational-Principle and an Ideal-Form."

~Plotinus, from "Ennead I", 6th Tractate

Mode of Transport

smarts

Alright, so I know people go to college in order to become more educated, in order to become "pro" at whatever it is they want to do with their lives.

But what if all I want is to become a "pro" at loving people? To find ways to make life for people in my community that much better? To learn how to truly bless people?

There is no college that can help me major in Christ-like love, and this is what I want to do with my life.

Now, I understand that I can pursue a college degree while living out the love of Christ to those on my campus, and that I can take my classes to give me greater ability and skill in practically living out that love. (For example: someone may have a heart for a certain people group, and going to college to major in a certain language could be their ticket to a lifetime of ministry that otherwise could have never been possible.)

But going to college to be an English major? To learn how to be a Chemist?

Don't get me wrong, I know that through Christ anything is possible, and with His power an English major can change the world.

But for me?

Everyone goes to college; it's expected, and it's normal for anyone out of high school to pursue that.

But what if I feel as though my form of ministry could just be getting really good at knitting socks, and then being able to supply & support local homeless shelters? What if I can work full-time and be able to provide free living space for women who can't afford it? What if what I really want with all my heart is to throw myself headlong into a community and love them with *all* that I am, without college getting in the way, but being able to give every last bit of myself for their betterment?

I'm struggling with the motivation to take my SAT test again; it would be the final touch to an application I have going in to a school in Moscow. I feel as though I should take it; after all, if I don't then my application wouldn't be as updated, scholarship opportunities would drop significantly, and my chances of going to school next fall might be delayed yet again.

But there's also a risk in deciding to stay here for another year. It would be another year of self-motivation & self-discipline, both of which have been a struggle for me. This has been the hardest stretch of my life so far, for sure. I've struggled with loneliness, lack of community, and having faith that God will make my paths straight for me. This year, taking school off was not a cop-out for me, though I know many may perceive it that way. School has always been so enjoyable for me, but I feel it also allows me to skim over certain things I feel convicted by, and busy my schedule up so I don't have time for things that are, in fact, more important.

Feeling torn right now, and though I know my final decision is awhile in coming, I can't help but balk a bit in the face of it.

I must say before closing however: I am so thankful for this year so far. For the last week or so I have finally come to realize the great place God has put me. I feel more a part of the community of my work, and Nampa in general. Things with my family have never been better. I'm starting to explore different mediums of art, photography being one, and my knitting (as geeky as it sounds) is only getting better. I can make damn good espresso shots now, and have started educating myself on coffee, where it's grown, the different flavors and growing methods that come from each region, etc. I've been reading my Bible every day, searching it to discover the right way to live, seeking as much wisdom as I can.

I know that when this waiting period is over, and it might come at the end of my life, I will have such an appreciation for the acts of God that we people experience through community, and personal sanctification. I long for His perfectness every day, and more than I ever knew I could.

These last months of sanctification (though I'll admit that this is the first time I've ever experienced it in what I like to call "the cheese-grater way"), they have been all so worth it. I feel like God has carved out more of my shallow heart, making it bigger, the capacity broader, that when I come to where I am supposed to be, I will be able to do things right.

Maybe this, right here and right now, is my education.

Perhaps I will never have a diploma, but I have a God who looks out for me, and educates me in the way He sees fit.

I look forward to the future with great joy and expectation.

Day 5: Bauble

Day 4: Repose

humility

“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.”

-Chuck Palahniuk

Day 3: Undergarment

Day 2: Stack of Books

Day 1: Reflection

"…any interpretation of Scripture that hurts people, oppresses peo ple, or destroys people cannot be the right interpretation, no matter how tradi tional, historical, or exegetically respectable. There can be no debate about the fact that the church’s stand on homosexuality has caused oppression, loneliness, self-hatred, violence, sickness, and suicide for millions of people. If the church wishes to continue with its traditional interpretation it must demonstrate, not just claim, that it is more loving to condemn homosexuality than to affirm homo sexuals…in the end, all appeals, whether to the Bible or anything else, must submit to the test of love…We ask the question that must be asked: “What is the loving thing to do?"

-Dale Martin

stay tuned, faithful one

I would love to do this! I'll do my best for the next 30 days, and see how far I get.

If it takes me longer, then it takes me longer I guess.

Life can only go as fast as it can go.

Not only are the cymbals loud, they're damn heavy.

"When I am talking to somebody there are always two conversations going on. The first is on the surface; it is about politics or music or whatever it is our mouths are saying. The other is either communicating that I like the person I am talking to or I don't. God wants both conversations to be true. That is, we are supposed to speak the truth in love. If both conversations are not true, God is not involved in the exchange, we are on our own, and on our own, we will lead people astray. The Bible says that if you talk to somebody with your mouth, and your heart does not love them, that you are like a person standing there smashing two cymbals together. You are only annoying everybody around you. I think that is very beautiful and true."

-Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz, pg. 221

These thoughts have so much implication for the way we interact with every last person we encounter.

I was just hired at a great coffee shop to be a barista and take peoples' money. I'd bet about 50-80 people come through per every 6-hour shift I work. I have an average of 3 minutes that each one is in the shop to let them know I love them.

High calling.

But it is the Christ calling, and therefore, my calling.

Everyday faith

"Discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. Waling on the water is easy to impulsive pluck, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is a different thing. Peter walked on the water to go to Jesus, but he followed Him afar off on the land. We do not need the grace of God to stand crises, human nature and pride are sufficient, we can face the strain magnificently; but it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours in every day as a saint, to go through the drudgery as a disciple, to live an ordinary, unobserved, ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is inbred in us that we have to do exceptional things for God; but we have not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things, to be holy in mean streets, among mean people, and this is not learned in five minutes."

- Oswald Chambers

My Utmost for His Highest

Entry for October 21

*full*

"For the word of the LORD is upright,
and all his work is done in faithfulness.
He loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of the steadfast love of the LORD."

-Psalm 33: 4 & 5

That pretty much says it all.

New Books

"I wanted to be justice, love and the wrath of God all in one."

-Marjane Satrapi

I just bought this book today, & can't wait to delve in. I haven't read many graphic novels, but expect this will be a good way to start. Will blog thoughts.

Up & Coming

"Everybody's got a heart worth breaking/

everybody has the one that got away/

everybody has a love they're looking for..."

-from Haunted, by Leagues

Going to keep an eye on these guys.

Keeping It Real

"Nothing is so important as to keep right spiritually. The great solution is the simple one- "Come unto Me." The depth of our reality, intellectually, morally and spiritually, is tested by these words. In every degree in which we are not real, we will dispute rather than come."

~Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Do I?

This:

& then:
& then:
& then:

Finis.

How's that for a winter look?

"We'll Still Be Getting Gone"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMjXZlUOWSE

"Feel it burn in my soul.
Like a wound that is exposed.
I need to run, I need to go.
I took my time, I got no more.

So take me somewhere I don't know.
'cause Home is not places, it is Love.

I told myself that it was fine,
no shame in the jagged lines.
But then I woke in the night,
it raised my sense for a fight.

So take me somewhere I don't know
'cause home is not places, it is Love.

And I, I don't want no control
'cause home is not places it is Love.

It is Love
It is Love
It is Love
It is Love
It is Love
It is Love

Move along, move along, you're going too slow, you'll never see it All!
Do your dance, sing a song, I just need us both to Carry On!
Oh move along, move along, we won't stop until we've seen it All!
Clap your hands, sing a song, everything that we've ever had is gone, its gone :)
Oh move along, move along, we will sleep when our heartbeat is gone!
Lets live our lives, holding on, just you and me, we'll still be getting gone. we'll still be getting gone."

-"Home Is Not Places", The Apache Relay

Loving these guys right now.

Be Noisy

"On your walls, O Jerusalem,
I have set watchmen;
all the day and all the night
they shall never be silent.
You who put the LORD in remembrance,
take no rest,
and give him no rest
until he establishes Jerusalem
and makes it a praise in the earth."

-Isaiah 62: 6 & 7

So thankful that we're called to clamor for God's plan to be fulfilled.

"Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth!"

-Psalm 100:1

"The going itself is the path."

"'I thought', she said, 'that I was carried in the will of Him I love, but now I see that I walk with it. I thought that the good things He send me drew me into them as the waves lift the islands; but now I see that it is I who plunge into them with my own legs and arms, as when we go swimming. I feel as if I were living in that roofless world of yours where men walk undefended beneath naked heaven. It is a delight with terror in it! One's own self to be walking from one good to another, walking beside Him as Himself may walk, not even holding hands. How has He made me so separate from Himself? How did it enter His mind to conceive such a thing? The world is so much larger than I thought. I thought we went along paths- but it seems there are no paths. The going itself is the path."

-from Perelandra, by C. S. Lewis

"We Need A Myth" -Okkervil RIver

"We need a myth
We need an amethyst bridge
We need a high hanging cliff
Jump, fall and lift

We can make it
We need a myth
We need a path
Through the mist

Like in our beds
We were just kids
Like what was said by our parents
I guess

What we're after is just this
We need a myth
I feel my heart's like a fist
I want words spilling out

From the blessed lips
Of any prophet or goddess
I need a myth
Brought back to life by a kiss

Scrape away grey cement
Show me the world as it was again
In a myth
A red ribbon to reconnect

The lady's head to her neck
And to forget that her throat
Was ever slit
I guess

What we're after is just this
A myth
And I'm sick
Of all these picture books that try

To steal some old reflections for their light
But desperate measures point to desperate times
Which is why
We need a myth

We're cut adrift
We need a mass uplift
The world is trembling and weeping
And at the point of believing

In a myth
The sun that shines on my head
The moon that lights me to bed
Were two identical twins

In a myth
I heard the voice of a friend
On Lethe's banks
Wading in

He said
'Before I forget
We need a myth
As we lean in to kiss

To get two nails
Through the wrist
To get covered in blood
And to get covered in spit

And to forgive.'

And if all we're taught is a trick
Why would this feeling persist?
And with the truth closing in
I must insist

We need a myth."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvmk5rEIs1o

"Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

-Psalm 61:3

Ms. Piaf

Just picked up the album "Eternelle" today, and find this woman so intriguing. A majority of the pictures taken of her show her either completely absorbed by the music she's singing, or looking so achingly sad, as in the photo above. Just from her voice you can hear her background, her many lovers, her boisterous personality.

So beautiful.

Will find out more.

"with your might"

"Go, eat your bread in joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already appointed what you do. Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head. Enjoy life with the one whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might, for there is no work or thought or knowledge or wisdom in Sheol, to which you are going."

~Ecclesiastes 9: 7-10

Practicing Resurrection

"So, friends, every day do something that won't compute...Give your approval to all you cannot understand...Ask the questions that have no answers. Put your faith in two inches of humus that will build under the trees every thousand years...Laugh. Be joyful though you have considered all the facts....Practice resurrection."
— Wendell Berry (The Country of Marriage)

This quote does so much to remind me never to lose hope. All the despair we encounter in the world? Because of what God has done, I am able to view the whole mess as Him flexing His muscles, like the angel before He rolled the stone away, just dying to show His power to His people.

"Practice resurrection."

There is always hope.

pop

Now that's commitment. Hard, crackly commitment.

(But beautiful when the light shines through.)

To be pondered...

"Humility is simply the sense of entire nothingness, which comes when we see how truly God is all, and in which we make way for God to be all." ~Andrew Murray

Stalky

Variety:

something we take for granted so often.

(Just as a prerequisite: this will hearken back to some older posts I've written, and I don't want to belabor the point, but it does deserve some pointing out. (over, & over, & over, & over again, though it may come))

The whole concept sprang to mind again because of an article I found online describing the different types of rhubarb available for growing (turns out 29+; isn't it grand??) while on a mad search for a recipe for Rhubarb Oat Muffins. I've only ever partaken of standard rhubarb fare, so when I saw this:

I had to know more. Turns out it's a Yorkshire Forced Rhubarb. These are grown in a particular region of England for the type of soil found there, with no exposure to sunlight to preserve the delicate flavor, harvested by candlelight, and it even made its way onto the website "UK Protected Foods" (part of a network of websites that protect regional and traditional foods against imitation). Pretty impressive for one variety among 29.

I think it's just the fact that we can do so much to preserve one variety of rhubarb that gets me. It really is incredible, when you think about it. And for as much as a rant about people being petty, being wrapped up in themselves, not seeing or reacting to the problems in the world, not doing anything to help the hurt, there's a sense of gratitude that comes with finding out about something like this. If God cares enough to create 29 varieties of rhubarb, we can care enough to preserve 1 of them, even if it means harvesting it by candlelight and creating ridiculous websites to "guarantee its authenticity".

I'm off to find some recipes.

started

Well, I'm not sure what exactly to write about, but I have a rare hour or two of relative leisure, so here goes.

My thesis presentation is on Monday, which is in two days. Scared? You bet. Mostly for the questions though.

Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Just a short thought:

As I was reading over various people's Facebook statuses tonight, and news of Osama Bin Laden's death was spreading. All of the posts were ecstatic...

For example:

"thank goodness Osama is DEAD!! he has done enough damage to our nation!! Praise the Lord!! :D"

&

"Does anyone else feel like singing the national anthem & flying their flag while shooting off fireworks?!"

Is this how we react to this? Really?

A friend of mine put it well: "While we may all be relieved that Osama Bin Laden is dead, God takes no pleasure in the death of the wicked, and neither should we."

It should sadden us.

God does promise vengeance for His people, and even says we will wash our feet in the blood of the wicked (Psalm 58:10). But there should always be sorrow for the death of another human being. There is joy that comes with justice served, but there must be mercy tied to this. To not feel a pang of sorrow at the loss of another human life is inhuman itself.

Christ has died for *everyone*.

Everyone.

That itself should make us pause.

In need of a bandaid as big as all this.

We are so fragile, every single one of us.

Human life is more akin to a spider's web than any sort of rope, even with the vitamins we take and the utmost care we devote to keeping ourselves as death-free as possible.

Life: it is just so delicate... & the way it is taken from us?

Horrible.

I know we've just celebrated Easter & all, but today it's been harder for me to grasp. "Easter's over? It can't be! You don't understand, there's so much more that needs to be saved!" It's a little more of a desperate plea for reassurance than anything else. Not exactly the joyous living that usually follows this holiday.

This was mostly brought on by a documentary on World War II that my class & I have been watching for our 20th Century course. It's very well constructed, informative, and uses almost exclusively real footage from the war. Now, this is great & everything, very authentic.

But this is where my stomach and heart start to take over, and the appreciative side of my brain fades almost entirely into the background.

Just keep in mind that this blog post is being written by a person who claims violence in movies doesn't bother her at all, that zombies are the greatest, and give her slasher films by the dozen!

Now?

I don't know that I'll be able to stand it again.

Corpses don't look so bad in movies. After all, it's just a stunt actor, or a fake body. Either they'll get up after the shot, go home and eat dinner with their families, or they'll be recycled. No big deal.

But when you see the real stuff, the shells of people, the homes of souls lying there on the ground... You know, for the first time, that no director will call "Cut". There will be no getting up tonight.

There was a story in the episode today about two soldiers, one a Japanese, the other a good 'ol American Marine. The marine had just caught the Jap, who was injured in the back, unable to move his arms, after taking over one of the islands in the Pacific. The marine dragged the Jap by his feet along the ground. As the man screamed, one of the other soldiers noticed his teeth were covered in gold; the marine was going to claim his trophy. He pulled out a knife, and forced it under one of the crowns. The knife slipped, stabbing the roof of the man's mouth. As he struggled against the marine, still screaming, that good 'ol American boy forced his knife back into the man's mouth, slitting his cheeks from ear to ear. A fellow soldier finally noticed, and shot the Jap in the head, putting him out of his misery, but all he got from the marine was curses at the mercy. Even after this however, he didn't stop, but finished extracting the teeth.

And we have the audacity to call war a heroic action.

We have the presumption to say that human life is this expendable.

We have the utter, pure, unadulterated, fucking arrogance to say that it's worth it.

Is it?

Life: it is just so delicate.

We are so fragile, every single one of us.

...

I don't want to think about what seeing these things has done to my soul.

I don't ever want to know.

Because, after knowing that? Death, you do sting. Easter, in all of its reported glory, seems so worthless.

How thankful I am to know that our God doesn't leave us there.

He can't leave us there.

We are so fragile, every single one of us.

We need a Savior, and quickly...

We are so fragile, every single one of us.

More Senior Shots

Numbered Lists

So it is very late at night, and I cannot sleep.

3:31 a.m. precisely.

One of those nights where I decided drinking a soda around midnight really wouldn't affect me much... (For those who don't know this: I'm highly affected by caffeine. Every time I consume it. Without fail.)

Result?

Correct!

Late night and no way to end it.

But, a few exciting things happened tonight:

#1) I attended a Good Friday service at my church, the first one I had experienced there. It was grand.

#2) I actually knelt during the prayers during the service. This may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but it really was for me. Posture and position can have such an effect on the way people engage in worship, and for a long time I have felt convicted to kneel during confession and/or prayer time. Why the reluctance? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe an attempt not to seem hollowly pious? Maybe a general fear of the unknown reaching through my subconscious from a forgotten corner of my childhood? Maybe a fear of carpet imprints on my knees? It could be just one of these reasons, it could be all, but I overcame them by God's grace and knelt. Let's just say that it will become a common practice. Helpful much.

#3) China Wok. P-nut and I ate there after the service ended. Our family inevitably ended up there for several childhood birthday dinners, and other days when we just didn't have any food in the house. Nostalgia factor. Also: I've been craving Chinese food like crazy lately. Satisfaction factor. To top it all off, there was a strange family sitting behind us. Smelled funny, sounded funnier, reacted the funniest when I accidentally made a face at one of them. (To top it all off, P-nut mistook the mom for the dad; she did look a little masculine, it's true, but really? C'mon P-nut.) Funny factor. The food was awesome as well. It was the first time celery tasted good in my mouth... Gotta love those deep-fried-too-many-times-for-your-diet egg rolls. Heart failure all 'round! Fried factor. And I was out to dinner with my sister, which hasn't happened in a while, so that rocked. P-nut factor.

So:

Nostalgia + Satisfaction + Funny + Fried + P-nut = feeling pretty damn blessed.

#4) I found the only video game I'm even interested in playing: Crysis 2. Is this bad? I don't know. We'll see where it all ends up.

...

Well, this is certainly the most random post I've ever posted... But no one is perfect. And their blog can't be either.

Here's to imperfections that, praise the Lord, will be washed away on Easter morning.

Good night, and good sleep!

common experience.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. This girl, though we might find her strange, looked exactly as she should have in her world. She lived in a dark place, with a single spotlight, but somedays it was so dim she couldn’t see it, no matter how hard she tried. This lack of vitamin D caused her ankles to be bony, her skin to be corpse-gray, and her kneecaps never to have blood in them. As she got older, as happened with many of her peers, she began to grow. However (& this is what we might find strange), her bones were the only things that grew. Not the cartilage on the bones, not the skin surrounding it, not the muscles that helped her move. The tendons were able to stretch for a short while, but even that gave out eventually. Her nose disappeared. Her toes made scraping noises on the floor when she walked. It was painful, yes, but so are our lives here. See? It is a simple difference in methods, but when the rubber hits the road we’re just the same.

This is the first of my senior pictures that I've been able to see...

Looking forward to getting the rest of them!

Dimly

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JiOCJXeaTU&feature=channel_video_title

This was a video a friend and I made for a 20th Century Class art project.

Thinking about sending it in to the band... & I'm leaning towards that at the moment. :)

My optimism knows no bounds.

The sun was out in full force today, for the first time in a long while. It actually felt like it might be warm sometime this year. there is hope for summer after all...

Days like this are among the most joyful I know. It's a realization of hope, and a reinstating of faith. The sun won't be hidden forever, the Idaho wind won't always win out, flowers will grow, and your skinny white legs? The barbecues and hotdogs will make them plump and the sun will turn them a more attractive shade of skin.

Did I believe this on Tuesday? Well, of course I knew Spring was coming, who doesn't, right?

But now?

Now I know for sure.

Half to celebrate and half to just eat something, I decided to consume an orange in the Walmart parking lot, sitting on the curb near my car, getting sticky and being warm. It was funny when people ignored me, funnier when they noticed, and all-in-all, the experience was well worth it.

Oh, and the orange was really good, just to be clear.

So, all of that to say:

Spring?

I'm ready for it.

& "Lungs" by Florence + the Machine will be my car-ride soundtrack of choice. Those drums at stoplights? You can't resist it. Meridian traffic becomes much more dramatic and adventurous when you have a good beat going.

Off to be happy and attribute it to the Vitamin D in me.

Cheerio!

an open mind and an open mouth

I've been theorizing lately.

Sparing you all the inner turmoil, here's the conclusion I've come to:

Karen Peris and I are twins, if not biologically, then "soul twins".

Thoughts about my calling have been swirling around in my brain lately, and not just what to do after high school, but what to do with my life.

Now, this may seem like a really ridiculous decision: wouldn't whatever I did after college be tied to what I consider my calling to be?

Oh my. I have no answer to that. I hope so, but how many jobs have the combination of what I've been so convicted by lately?

This post may be gargantuan, but I will do my best to outline my *emotions* for you, as scatterbrained as they are, give you snapshots of what's been resonating with the old ticker, and hope my gut supplies the rest.

(Can you tell I've been reading Thoreau lately? ha, funny.)

O.k. This song (written by the amazing Innocence Mission, of which my "soul-twin", Karen Peris, is the lead vocalist) has been my life motto for quite some time now. It's exactly what I want people to see me as, exactly the image I want to provoke in people's minds.

Take a minute to give it a listen. I'll wait.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eA4ZfLzy1VM

Now, wed what you just heard to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_pChpf0YFn8

Alright, now look at all that in light of this:

(as an intro)

"Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain." (Philippians 2:14-16)

(& for the heart-rending moment)

"Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all." (Philippians 2:17)

Think of this all in the light of the color blue.

All shades.

& you have an adequate picture of what my mind has been like for the last several months.

Beautiful and terrible.

In light of this all: how? How do I know how to use these things that God has impacted me so deeply with, that I know are a gift from Him? How?

I haven't the foggiest.

But hope is there, hope is not dead.

And while my brain fries, and my emotions not far behind it, I pray that hope does not die.

But you still may want to run for your life if it's too early in the morning.

To the smallest & the biggest things that keep me whole: hooray!

And *hope*fully, one day, even if I am 80, I'll be able to say that I used these facets of my brain to bring the utmost glory to Christ. (which leads to another Karen Peris song, "Christ Is My Hope". But I'll let you look that one up on your own time.)

"Love that will not betray you,
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man
you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
At my heart you see,
The beauty of love
as it was made to be." - Mumford and Sons